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5 Tips for Back-to-School | Parenting Plans Putting Kids First

Kids & Divorce: Top 5 Back-to-School Tips

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Support Your Kids Instead of Struggling with Your Ex

I’m not sure how it can already be that time of year when we start gathering immunization records, filling out school forms, and downloading the school supply list. For many divorced parents, summertime is when residential schedules loosen up. But, the school year requires increased coordination with the other parent. We know that children whose parents have divorced are at greater risk of poor school performance, particularly in math. The single best way to help your kids is to get along with the other parent. That can be a herculean task, so here are some basic tips.

1. DO communicate with your ex about your plans to help your child adjust to school ramping up again.

Do not expect the other parent to adopt your solutions in his or her household.

For example, parenting experts recommend progressively regulating your child’s routine to bring bedtime forward by 15 minutes every day the first two weeks they go back to school. This is all well and good for a one-household family. You may be 100% on board with this advice and easily able to implement this strategy in your home.

Accept that the other parent may or may not find value in this approach, regardless of that parent’s opinion of you. And recognize that even if the other parent does find value in it, the circumstances of that parent’s household may prevent implementing the solution.

Focus on what’s going on with your kid, not on being right. It sounds so simple and so obvious, but it’s worth a mention. In the above example, for instance, your job would be to voice your concern, propose a strategy and solution and then let it go to focus on supporting your child whether or not the solution is implemented.

2. DO NOT fight with the other parent at school, either in person or over email.

This one’s non-negotiable. Your child will be embarrassed. The school staff will be uncomfortable. And most importantly, you will decimate your own dignity. When it’s over self-loathing will kick in. Don’t do it.

3. DO know your triggers and plan in advance how you can remain mindful in those moments.

When school is in session there will inevitably be additional moments when you will have to engage directly with the other parent. You had better know your triggers because the other parent surely knows how to push your buttons. For example, is the other parent always late? Do your kids’ brand new clothes seem to evaporate at the other house? Get yourself prepared to enter these situations. Talk to your divorce lawyer or therapist. Focus on your breath. Remember a happier moment in time where your child was at the forefront. Keep your mom, lawyer or BFF on speed dial so you can text that person instead of outwardly reacting in front of the other parent and other professionals.

4. DO tell the school and your child’s teacher if the transition to two households is recent. But remember, less is more.

Particularly at the start of a separation, parents often carry overarching feelings of shame, guilt, anger and grief every moment of the day, yet talking about what’s going on can be profoundly confusing. My advice – less is more. It is a good idea to let your child’s teacher know your family is transitioning into two households. It is not necessary, for example, to tell your child’s teacher that the other parent had an affair with your nanny.

5. DO clear your work schedule, but hang back and DO NOT tell your kids you are so accessible.

As a divorced parent, you will feel like you never have enough time with your child. They are, literally, growing up without you. So plan your time and use your time wisely. If you have a demanding job, consider planning a softer workload during the transition week back to school. It’s okay to take a little bit off your plate.

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Divorce and Child Custody Across Borders

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One of the things I love most about Seattle and Bellevue is our growing international diversity. According to this recent 2015 article from the Economic Development Counsel of Seattle and King County, 1 in 3 residents of Bellevue are foreign born. This is due in part to the increasing number of international companies that are calling King County home and headquartering their companies here. It’s all part of the new Northwest boom, and one of the great things coming with it is the diversity this brings to our lives. I love seeing all of this first hand as I watch my school-aged kids learning Mandarin in public school and getting excited about traveling to Egypt where their teacher was born.

International Child Custody Issues

When families split up, our international growth raises issues for families. Divorce and child custody leave an international family facing unique legal issues.

  • What happens if one parent wants to end the marriage or intimate relationship and take the children back to their home country?
  • Will the court allow a parent to take children to a foreign country if they were born and raised in the U.S.?
  • What if the family is on a work-visa and there is a divorce?
  • What if a parent needs to move to the Seattle area for a job, but the children currently live in a foreign country or another state?

There Are No Easy Answers to These Questions

A lot depends on the specifics of the individual case. The court may consider the age of the children, the historic parenting roles of the parents, the location of the child’s extended family and support, and sometimes the immigration status of the parents to the extent a parent or child can legally remain in the U.S. These cases are difficult for families and even difficult for the court. In some cases the court will allow a parent to move with the children to a foreign country and sometimes the court will restrain the parents from removing the children from the State of Washington. There are many factors that go into these complex cases.

It’s Necessary to Hire a Family Law Attorney with International Custody Experience

If a parent is threatening to take or has taken children out of the state or country, you need to contact an attorney immediately. If your situation is not critical, it’s still necessary to establish a relationship with a family law attorney who is experienced in international child custody cases. It’s extremely important if you want the best outcome for you and your children.

Ideally, you should meet with an attorney before making any custody decisions so that you can know your rights, can weigh your options, and make sure you do not do anything to accidentally harm your own case.

International child custody cases are complex because they are sometimes governed by multiple laws including the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act (UCCJEA), the Parental Kidnapping Prevention Act (PKPA), the Hague Convention, and Immigration statutes. Sometimes your attorney will have to connect with various experts in the international arena to ensure that your case is strong and your children are safe.

luciaPlease contact International Custody attorney Lucia Levias at (425) 279-7863.

Lucia was raised in an international family and benefited from the differing perspectives of her parents and relatives. Now as a family law attorney, she enjoys serving clients who have complex international cases and strives to help them make the best decisions for their family.

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Divorce and Visitation: The Basics

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If you’re thinking about divorcing, you’re probably also concerned about how much time you’ll be able to spend with your kids. That’s normail and natural. Here’s what you need to know: the parenting plan that you create with your soon-to-be-ex spouse will become a court order. That’s an important part of the divorce process. So, a parenting plan requires a good deal of thought and planning. It’s your family’s blueprint until the kids go to college or leave home for other pursuits. And it’s entirely doable.

Goodbye Weekend Warrior Mentality

In this day and age, the courts view both parents as important people in the lives of kids. Weekend warrior parenting is long gone. Men are equals as caregivers and providers for their kids, and if you’re a guy you have a right to equally raise your children after divorce if you wish to do so.

The Kind of Parenting Plan that Helps the Kids

Although it’s very stressful to change everything from a one family home to a two-family parenting setup, with a good attorney and good advice from today’s parenting coaches, it’s not impossible to move forward with a lot of grace and positive energy for you and your kids. Think of it as setting up new households that are just as full of kid love as the one household that used to be. Your attorneys can help you design a parenting plan that will:

  • creatively address scheduling issues for multiple children
  • strengthen and deepen the parent/child bond
  • make sure you have a good vacation with your children every year
  • create holiday schedules that are fair for everyone
  • and a lot more!

A Predictable Parenting Schedule is A Good Thing

One of the most important factors to take into consideration when designing your parenting plan is predictability for your kids. Psychological research on children of divorce shows that consistency helps anchor children in a psychologically safe place after their parents split. Our attorneys stay on top of the research literature and we make it a point of helping you devise a plan that will serve your children well. We often work closely with child development experts to help you make great decisions for your family. And as parents ourselves, we understand.

Please call us today if you’d like to set up a consultation with one of our experienced attorneys here at DuBois Cary.

Seattle: (206) 547-1486

Bellevue: (425) 279-7863

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How to Tell Your Kids You’re Getting Divorced

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My friend, Lisa, is one of the most formidable women I know. She is an extremely successful executive. She also happens to be a gorgeous, former 4H queen whose end of summer ritual is canning her own tomatoes in the company of her Mom and two small daughters. Lisa is one of those rare beings who seems to effortlessly know the rules and expectations of any situation from the moment she walks in a room.

But she had a secret that none of us knew about. Lisa happened to be in a very unhappy marriage. My unflappable friend was stumped by the prospect of divorce – not the money, not telling her friends and family. What kept her up at night was what in the world to tell her kids.

When she finally opened up to me, I connected her to some of the talented child development experts that the attorneys in my office work with regularly. We worked through recommendations based on our collective experience of what works best for divorcing families.

Here’s what she found out:

1. Do have a script to get the conversation started.

Ex. “Our family is changing. Daddy and I are going to start living apart, in two homes. We both love you so much. You will live with me some of the time and Daddy some of the time.”

2. Do tell the kids at home.  Don’t try and explain it at your kid’s favorite park or restaurant. Do consider the time of day because your kiddo may be upset.

3. Do answer their questions in an age-appropriate and direct way.

4. Do tell your kids that you’ll take them to see the place you picked.

5. Do tell them that in an age-appropriate way, how you feel.

Ex. “I feel really sad. It’s okay to be sad. I may cry sometimes. I will take care of myself AND I will take care of you.

6. Do give them some language about how they might feel.

Ex. It’s okay if you feel sad, sometime. It’s okay to mad. We’ll get through this.”

7. Do sleep in the same home on the day you tell the kids. Move out 6 to 10 days after you tell them so that they don’t feel abandoned.

And, here’s the advice I could lend my friend:

Do remember that you are braver than you believe. And, don’t forget, your kids believe in you more than you can remember right now.

For a consultation regarding how to speak with your children about divorce, please call Monica Cary, partner at DuBois Cary: (206) 547-1486. We have offices in both Seattle and Bellevue to best serve you.

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Divorce and the First Day of School

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The other night, I was exchanging parent fails with a dear friend. Her daughter, Nora, just started first grade. A lot happened over Nora’s summer. Her parents got a divorce. Her Mom took her to her first day of school. Nora’s first task as a first grader was to draw a picture of her divorced family. Nora was stumped.

Luckily, Nora was returning to the same school this year and her Mom is a rock star when it comes to parenting. Mom cheerfully walked Nora through drawing a house where her Dad lives and an apartment where her Mom lives. And, Nora drew herself in both places. But it brought home a great point. A basic foundation of Nora’s life had swiftly changed over the summer and just like that, on the first day, Nora had to face this change.

So, what you need to know about sharing news of a divorce in your family with your child’s teacher? Well, depending on your child’s age, maybe a whole lot. After all, teachers have a huge role in your children’s day-to-day well-being. They spend as much time -and sometimes more time- during the day with your kids than you do. It’s a good idea to update them about what’s going on with your family in the event of divorce, just as you might update them if someone else would be picking up your child from school on a particular day.

Teachers strive to be tuned in to changes in your child’s performance, attitude, self-esteem and other behavior patterns that affect their learning abilities and social skills. Their role is to guide your child’s education so that they are performing up to their potential and sharing the changes resulting from divorce can be helpful. Your child’s teacher will be the one who spots differences in your child’s behavior and will bring those changes to your attention. Your children’s teachers are your biggest allies in monitoring and making sure that your kids get what they need during the school day as you make your way through the divorce process. But, don’t fall into the trap of providing too much information.

DO share:

  • Changes in household structure – going from one house to two houses
  • What day your child is with you and what days he or she is with the other parent
  • Whether it’s okay if the other parent shows up at school and wants to take their child out of class
  • Who the teacher should contact if health or behavioral issues arise
  • Whether or not the child in counseling to deal with the stress of the divorce
  • If you want to have separate parent-teacher conferences

DON’T share:

  • Your feelings of betrayal.
  • Your financial situation, i.e. if you are paying or receiving alimony or child support.
  • Any other sordid details regarding your split.

Most importantly, don’t forget that teachers deal with students whose parents are divorcing, or have divorced, every day. It is nothing new and they won’t judge you for your decisions. They are there to help your child have a successful school year.

Keeping your child’s teachers informed about divorce and other family law issues sets everyone up to have a more successful school year.

If you’d like to come in and discuss your parenting schedule, concern about your child’s performance in school related to your divorce, or any other family law issue, we are here to help: (206) 547-1486. Contact us today.

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Co-Parenting Tips For Your Northwest Summer

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While kids can’t wait for the hottest months and for school to be out, parenting during the summer can be a ton of work. Coordinating summer school and day camps, vacation schedules – it can take the strategic planning skills of a masterful CEO and an assistant for working parents to hold it all together when the kids aren’t in school. The challenge for divorced parents is even tougher, but it can be done.

Attorneys who handle divorce and child custody issues can help you navigate it all if tensions are too high and communication is too difficult. However, with a little planning and patience you can get the hang of co-parenting in summertime.

Here are a few tips:

1. Keep your eye on the prize – your children’s health and happiness.

During the summer months, try and structure time so that the kids have time with each parent to play, relax, and get the hang of summer as a divorced family. Especially if you’re recently divorced, summer can be a great time to plan extra down time to cope with all the changes. Don’t forget, summer is recharge time for everyone, and a chance to work of stress by being outdoors and doing fun stuff.

2. Really know your parenting plan.

If you haven’t reviewed it lately, or are just getting started on co-parenting, read that document again and make sure you understand exactly what’s expected of each parent. With parenting plans, coloring inside the lines is always the way to go to keep the peace, help the kids know what to expect, and avoid tensions. Parenting plans are put into place as a family roadmap. Use your map for a more restful vacation.

3. Make an effort to rise above the issues you have with your ex.

The easiest way to do this is to keep the focus on what is best for your kids. In some ways, if your parenting plan is clear and you focus on your children, you don’t have to spend much time or energy worrying about what your ex is doing. Focusing on your kids will let you enjoy your summer with the people you love the most, not ruin your vacation obsessing about what your ex is doing. Who cares? It’s over. Summer co-parenting is a great time to practice enjoying the present.

4. Necessary communication – and no more – is the key to success.

Above all, don’t make your child be the messenger. Take responsibility for communication with your ex and let your children be kids. If you aren’t on speaking terms, then send an email or use texting for communication. And keep it short and sweet. It’s easier to stay away from difficult territory if your emails are only a couple of sentences long

5. Summer is a great time to see extended family.

It’s also an opportunity to help your kids spend time with your ex’s extended family. Your ex’s parents, aunts and uncles all like to know that the kids are free to go to the zoo or go out for ice cream when time permits. Summer months are also a good time to fit in a visit to your folks or a close relative who can help fill the lazy days with fun and-bonus!-adoring supervision for your child while you take that rare run or sit in the shade and read a book.

If you have questions or concerns about co-parenting during the summer, please feel free to call us. DuBois Cary Law Group.

Seattle: (206) 547-1486

Bellevue: (425) 279-7863

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Child Custody and Seattle Divorce: Kids Need Time With Dad

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Child custody has evolved over the last several years and there are things you need to know about child custody and how it relates to divorce in Seattle.

No longer do we necessarily see Dads relegated to, for lack of a better word, the second class parent. Researchers have determined that fathers are incredibly important in the lives of their children and the courts are often awarding 50% of parenting time with Dad, too.

It used to be that Dads were left to being “Disneyland Dads”. This was an old child custody arrangement that basically gave the Dad every other weekend to do something with his children. That is not how it works anymore in child custody issues.

There’s a lot of research coming out about the importance of fathers in the lives of their children and the research shows that the children need to have time with their fathers on a regular basis. They need to be at their Dad’s house after school and doing homework and going to bed and brushing their teeth and doing chores and getting up for school and getting their clarinet or field trip permission slips and having Dad take the kids to soccer or basketball practice – that kids really need that kind of regular ongoing relationship with their father. And the courts now understand that and rule accordingly.

Unless one parent is a domestic violence perpetrator or dangerous to themselves or others, the divorce courts are probably going to give each parent a lot of time with their children and it’s going to be up to you to come up with a custody plan that works for both of you – if you go to settlement. If you can’t settle your case, a King County family law judge will decide for you and you and your ex-spouse will have to live with the results. Settlements that involve good parenting plans are a better way to go.

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Divorce and Parenting Plans in Washington State

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As you may know, in Washington State, a child custody and visitation agreement is called a parenting plan.

Some parents draw up a parenting plan, sign it, and never give it another thought. Other parents find having a plan that they can follow to the letter until their child goes to college helps alleviate any mis-communications or problems with co-parenitng. Each divorced family however, must have a specific plan upon which they can rely if disagreements arise.

The lawyers at DuBois Cary Law Group can counsel you about how to approach your parenting plan carefully. This is very important because once filed with the court, parenting plans cannot be modified without court approval, which is often difficult to obtain. As your Seattle divorce lawyers, we will take the necessary time with you to explore all of the possibilities and then design the best plan for you and your children, minimizing the possibility of returning to court for expensive, risky modifications.

No two parenting plans are alike. A parenting plan for a traveling tech professional versus a business owners working from home will be different from a parenting plan for an entrepreneur or an engineer at Boeing. We understand that parenting plans are as complicated as the lives of the people who need them. We are continually amazed at the creative ways families design their plans to accommodate each parents’ strengths and weaknesses and address their children’s needs.

Only you know what works best for your children and your own unique family situation. Our local Seattle divorce team will help you craft and negotiate a completely customized plan that meets your family’s needs. Call us (206) 547-1486 and schedule a consultation today.

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When a Divorced Parent Moves Away

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As Seattle divorce attorneys, it is not unusual for us to see one parent relocate to another part of the country, and sometimes to another country, after going through a divorce in Washington State. When this happens, it amounts to a huge adjustment for everyone in the family.

Moving away (with or without your children) without the knowledge or consent of your ex-spouse can have profound legal consequences for you, some of them quite serious. Always contact an attorney before making such a decision. Here are some of the issues to take into consideration.

Moving is always a big change for an intact family, and though children do not like to move, they often adapt quickly to the new location and make new friends. When parents live apart and then one parent decides to move a significant distance away, that creates an entirely different set of stressors for post-divorce parenting and for the children. School, activities, relationships, community and parental contact are all disrupted. As you can imagine, this is not a popular move with the parent who is not making the move, whereas the parent who is moving often believes they have very good reasons for doing so, usually financial.

Children have varying responses – some don’t mind, others are vehemently opposed. It is the kind of change that makes kids vulnerable to acting out or manipulating parents, so additional attention to your children is critical during this kind of change. Keeping conflict at a minimum if one parent decides to relocate is the key to keeping children feeling calm and secure.

Reasons for Moving

Post-divorce parents move for a variety of reasons, often related to job transfers or promotions, to go back to school or get additional training for the job market, to marry a new spouse, and/or to be nearer to extended family whom can help the single parent post-divorce. However, the moving parent really needs to ask him or herself the following question: Is this good for my children? Or am I doing this for myself? It’s always best to put yourself in your children’s shoes first. What you want as an independent adult comes second to your children’s needs if you are a responsible parent.

Relocating with children is a life-altering decision for your children and should be made with appropriate consideration for the consequences of your decision. Keeping the focus on your children will drive better decision-making.

Your Parenting Plan Should Take Relocation Into Consideration

If relocation is a strong possibility, make sure that your parenting plan reflects that possibility. You may need to change your parenting plan an ex-spouse relocates. Issues that will need to be addressed include:

  • How much time will each parent spend with each child?
  • How will the children travel between homes?
  • What mode of transportation will they take?
  • Who will pay for their transportation costs?
  • Who will be responsible for, and make, travel the travel arrangements?
  • How will each parent communicate with the children? For how long and how often?

The answer to these questions will depend on what is best for your children depending on their ages at the time of the relocation. It is best to revisit these decisions as your children grow and develop. One parent moves away does not mean that children lose their right to a healthy and substantial relationship with each parent. Working together, parents can find good ways to make sure their children’s rights to have those relationships stay intact and secure.

If you would like more information about parenting plans and relocation, feel free to schedule a consultation with partner Amanda DuBois. (206) 547-1486.

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Ellie the Courthouse Dog Helps Children Through Divorce

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Ellie.jpg

If you’ve ever been to court – or even just been called for jury duty – you know that it takes time and energy, and it really can make a person nervous. The courthouse can provoke anxiety in even the steeliest person. Now imagine you’ve been the victim of a violent crime and have to testify against your attacker. Or you’re a child who has to answer questions from a police officer or detective. Fortunately, love and a non-judgmental presence are now in court to help–in the form of dogs like Ellie, court house dog extraordinaire!

Ellie, a lab, golden retriever mix, lounges in the King County Court House halls and loves to be petted by anyone passing by, but when she gets into the courtroom she’s all business. Ellie is a victim assistance dog and it’s her job to provide comfort to children and vulnerable crime victims going through the court process. She also provides love to just about anyone walking by her willing to reach down and give her a nuzzle.

Ellie is the first facility dog in the country to be formally placed at a prosecutor’s office. Much like service dogs for the blind, these amazing canines go through extensive training in order to fill a role that helps vulnerable children and adults. In the courtroom they help crime victims and children to feel calmer, stronger and more in control.

Here at DuBois Cary we are lucky enough to have met Ellie, who is so famous she’s been written up in USAToday, the New York Times and Bark Magazine! Ellie lives with DuBois Cary attorney Michelle Fontenot and her partner, deputy prosecuting attorney, Page Ulrey. Since we specialize in family law and estate planning, we are particularly pleased to know Ellie. And Ellie is the on the cutting edge of a movement that is gaining momentum.

The idea of using dogs to ease the tension of being in a courtroom is gaining popularity across the country. Courthousedogs.com began in Seattle and now the practice is spreading across the country to courts in Texas, California, Florida, Missouri and Michigan and many more. There are currently at least 34 court dogs working in more than 17 states.

For a consultation with one of our attorneys about a child custody or a general divorce or family law matter, please call (206) 547-1486

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