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How to Divorce a Narcissistt and Still Get Along

How to Divorce a Narcissist and Get Along

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You know who you are. You’re the one who did everything to try to stay and make it work. You’re the one who’s still a little more sad than you are mad, but something in you is driving you to make a bold change where there was once only resignation. And, now that you’re coming back into your own, you’re also starting to realize that your soon to be ex is completely nuts.

Leaving a Narcissist Is Not Impossible

The impossible can be done. You can divorce a narcissist without going to court and you can have a co-parenting relationship where your kids come first.

But, it’s going to cost you. You are going to have to give up your history together. You are going to have to forget every nasty thing you know to be true about the other person.

A New Paradigm

And, while you are chock-full of the knowledge that your soon to be ex is a total narcissist, you are going to be called upon to cultivate into reality the most far-fetched possibility of a peaceful parting. You are going to have to do this at a time when you have total resignation about the state of things. Once you’ve done that, you’re going to have to wait for your soon to be ex to catch up with your vision. Yes, it’s a tall order. But you will reap the rewards of creating a new paradigm from which to move forward.

The good news is that you don’t have to do the work of leaving a narcissist by yourself. You and your spouse can work with an experienced neutral mediator to generate a forward-thinking solution so that you can take charge of the next chapter in your life.

Use Mediation To Divorce a Narcissist

The mediator will work to reduce polarization by focusing on the present situation – instead of what’s right or wrong or what’s good or bad. That might mean telling one party that their perspective is way off, or challenging the other party to reconsider what’s driving their position on a particular topic. During mediation, you both will be given some lofty homework, like identifying your fears and your goals as you forge ahead.

You can also expect to have some practical homework, like figuring out your respective budgets moving forward. When it comes to kids, mediation is a great place to start talking and to find long-term resources to help your kids navigate these changes.

The impossible can be done. You can successfully divorce a narcissist. It happens every day. Why not start now?

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What’s With This Dress? Gold, Green or Black?

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Our fun-loving #DCLG team has been buzzing today about that cute dress that’s been trending in social media today. I had one lawyer in my office who saw a green dress and another who saw a gold one. It brings up one of my favorite adages: “All stories are true”.

I used that adage in my law school application, back in the day, and I’m still using it today. Because at a fundamental level, the ability to be able to hold your own point of view as well as the divergent (or even polar opposite) viewpoint of another person is a cornerstone of being human. Like a muscle, with practice and training, this skill can become an enormous source of strength and power as you catapult through life.

Agreeing to Disagree

There are many situations where we’ve all had to “agree to disagree”. For example, hanging out with my brother who is not a Russell Wilson fan comes to mind. (I mean, how is that even possible? The guy visits sick children in the hospital for Pete’s sake!) My point is, there are times when it’s easy to hold a competing contrasting perspective. And, sometimes, it’s not so easy. We are all called upon to carry this dissonance in various aspects of life, with our parents, siblings, and co-workers.

And Then There’s Divorce

Divorce is a different story. No matter how good or how bad a relationship seems, expecting a couple in the midst of divorce to hold this dissonance for one another is fairly unrealistic. When a couple has been together a long time (married or unmarried), chances are that they have developed many nonverbal ways of communicating their enchantment or disenchantment with one another. Whether the couple hates each other or whether they are friends, the process of uncoupling is inherently unsettling.

The Mediation Option

So, if you’re one of those couples who is needing to part at this stage of life, why do it alone? Mediation is a shared-cost solution that offers both parties the support of a neutral professional to reality-check those nonverbal cues. The mediator can help the parties talk about things that may have been taboo in the marriage. Through the free exchange of financial data, the mediator can help offer and facilitate strategic solutions. Generally, mediation offers a safe place to soothe fears and create agreements that can help the couple in moving on. Because, we can all agree that – regardless of the color – it is definitely a dress.

For more information about mediation services, please feel free to call Monica Cary at (206) 547-1486.

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Seattle Divorce Mediation: A Win-Win

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Like it or not, the divorce process falls under the umbrella of litigation. And, in any litigation, there are three critical components that drive both the dispute and the resolution which are as follows:

  1. What you think you can get in court.
  2. How much it’ll cost you to try to get it.
  3. And, how you feel about the end result.

What is Mediation?

Mediation is a way to resolve your disputes outside of court. Mediation provides divorcing parties the opportunity to reduce the stressful impact of a divorce, retain control of their lives, and reduce their legal costs.

Why is mediation so important in cases where parties need to divide property or determine a residential schedule for their children?

Generally, mediation is a wonderful way for divorcing and separating couples to explore creative solutions – that oftentimes are just not available in court. Courts are limited in the solutions they can impose, particularly when it comes to property division. For divorcing parents, mediation is extra important because the parties are going to have an ongoing relationship with one another and need a new starting point from which to build. Mediation provides divorcing couples the opportunity to honor any shared values that they may have, but that the court would not consider.

What can I gain from mediation?

  • You can save money. Mediation is generally less expensive than litigation and committing to a mediated process can drastically decrease your attorneys fees.
  • You can save time. Courts do not have the luxury of moving very quickly which means that the certainty provided by resolution may be delayed for many months, even a year. Going to court usually means losing a day or morning of work, paying for parking, and paying your lawyer. Mediation, on the other hand, can happen in one session or in a few consecutive sessions. Some mediators will even do sessions by phone or Skype.
  • Unlike litigation, the process is voluntary and informal. The progress of resolution goes at your pace, not the court’s pace. Resolving your case quickly can help decrease your stress and improve your sense of well-being.
  • Most importantly, mediation can open doors and offers the opportunity to explore creative ways to resolve your case.

What should I consider when choosing a mediator?

A good mediator will bring their litigation experience to the table, and will offer creative solutions and strategies for moving forward with your separation even if there are elements of decoupling that still need to be unraveled.

Choose a mediator with experience in the courtroom. It can be especially useful to work with a mediator who has served as a judicial officer. Most of all, choose a mediator whom you both like and whose communication style is easy for you to understand.

If you would like to schedule a consultation with DuBois Cary partner Monica Cary to discuss mediation and other divorce options, please call (206) 547-1486.

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5 Things Everyone Should Know About Divorce Mediation

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You’re probably already worried. The divorce process is overwhelming to say the least. Rest assured, that’s a natural feeling to have, and it’s not unusual for many people to describe divorce as one of the most stressful times in their life. In fact, it ranks number two in stressful life events after the death of a spouse or child. So worrying is normal.

In the divorce process, stress often increases during the divorce mediation process. Why? Because you know this is where you’ll make critical decisions about the future. As your nervousness increases going into the mediation process, remember the following tips:

1. Not all mediators are the same.

You may have heard horror stories about divorce meditations that have gone terribly wrong. But those are not the norm. The reason you hear about them is that everyone talks about the bad stuff. People tend to be quieter when things go right. If you’ve chosen a good attorney, that attorney will know a good mediator. Or, if you are choosing your own mediator, know that most mediators do make an effort to be as fair as possible, even if they have to manage a power struggle between parties to the divorce.

The divorce mediation process depends to a large extent on the level of conflict in the divorce. The best thing you can do is go into your mediation process extremely well-prepared and try and remain trusting and open to the process. If you find that your mediator is biased or difficult to work with, don’t hesitate to fire that mediator and hire someone else. It’s your divorce and it’s too important a moment in your life to work with a sub-par professional.

2. If your ex tried to manipulate or dominate you during the marriage, he or she will likely try to do the same during divorce mediation.

People don’t change much, and past behavior is often a perfect indicator of present and future behavior. There’s a reason you’re getting divorced, after all. The divorce process, and the divorce mediation process in particular, is a great opportunity for you not to put up with bad behavior again. Divorce is freeing for many people because they realize they no longer have be bullied into making decisions that are not in their best interests or the best interest of their children.

If you are concerned about an imbalance of power or intimidation, bring that forward in mediation as well. A good mediator will do what’s best to make sure everything is conducted in a fair manner without intimidation on either side.

3. Know exactly what results you want from the mediation.

You don’t want to go into the mediation process arguing out of anger or just to be right. That’s a common mistake and it doesn’t get you what you need. You need to mediate a financial settlement that you can live with going forward, and you need a child custody plan and monetary support plan that will work as well.

Doing things like trying to take things that you know your ex wants, just because you know he or she wants them, is not a good use of mediation, and will prolong the time and expense of the entire process. You need to have a clear idea of what you want, and that should be what you argue for in mediation.

4. The more you can agree on during mediation, the better.

You may not like your ex right now (and you may never like your ex again), but the mediation table is not the place to express those feelings. If you can agree on a few things right away, it establishes a sense of trust so you both know things are going to be worked out fairly. You don’t want to give up what is in your own best interests, but you also want to agree on things that don’t matter much. Pick your battles. Then negotiate for what matters.

5. No one is right or wrong in the mediation room.

The divorce mediation process is not about winning points against your ex-spouse. Divorce mediation is about negotiating a fair settlement of the marital property between two people. Therefore, keeping score during the mediation process is a waste of time and energy.

You might watch your ex flounder around in the score-keeping department, but if you keep a cool head on your shoulders and recognize mediation for the business deal that it is, the divorce process will end faster, cost less and you’ll be on your way.

you will be bound by the final agreement between you and your ex, but that beats spending the sizable money and time going to court and appearing before a judge who would make those important decisions for you without knowing you and your family personally.

To call and schedule a consultation regarding mediation with one of our local Seattle divorce attorneys, please call (206) 547-1486.

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5 Tips for a Successful Mediation

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You’re probably already worried. The divorce process is overwhelming to say the least. Rest assured, that’s a natural feeling to have, and it’s not unusual for many people to describe divorce as one of the most stressful times in life. Worrying is normal.

During the divorce mediation process people often feels especially stressed because after all the work they’ve done to finally get to mediation, this is where they make very important decisions about their future.

As your nervousness increases going into the mediation process, remember the following tips.

1. Not All Mediators are the Same

You may have heard horror stories about divorce mediations that have gone terribly wrong. But those are not the norm. The reason you hear about them is that like most everything in life, everyone talks about the bad stuff. People tend to be quieter when things go right.

If you’ve chosen a good attorney, that attorney will know a good mediator. If you’re choosing your own mediator, know that most mediators do make an effort to be as fair as possible, even if they have to confront a power struggle between parties to a divorce. Do your research and find the best professional you can.

Here’s what you need to know: the divorce mediation process depends to a large extent on the level of conflict in the divorce. The best thing you can do is go into your mediation process extremely well-prepared and remain trusting and open to the process. That being said, if you think your mediator is biased or difficult to work with, don’t hesitate to fire that mediator and hire someone else. It’s your divorce and it’s too important a moment in your life to work with a sub-par professional in the divorce mediation process.

2. If Your Ex Tried to Manipulate or Dominate You During the Marriage, He or She Will Likely Try to Do the Same During Divorce Mediation

People don’t change much, and past behavior is often a perfect indicator of present and future behavior. There’s a reason you’re getting divorced, after all.

The divorce process, and the divorce mediation process in particular, is a great opportunity for you not to put up with bad behavior again. Divorce is freeing for many people because they realize they no longer have be bullied into making decisions that are not in their best interests or the best interest of their children.

If you are concerned about an imbalance of power or intimidation, bring that forward in mediation as well. A good mediator will do his or her best to make sure everything is conducted in a fair manner without intimidation on either side.

3. Know Exactly What Results You Want from the Mediation

You don’t want to go into the mediation process arguing out of anger or just to be right. That’s a common mistake and it doesn’t get you what you need. You need to mediate a financial settlement that you can live with going forward, and you need a child custody plan and monetary support plan that will work as well.

Doing things like trying to take things that you know your ex wants, just because you know he wants them, is not a good use of mediation, and will prolong the time and expense of the entire process. You need to have a clear idea of what you want, and that should be what you argue for in mediation.

4. The More You Can Agree on During Mediation, the Better

Pick your battles. The mediation table is not the place to express your negative feelings for your ex-spouse. If you can agree on a few key issues early in mediation, this will establish a sense of trust in the process and will help everyone get to a fair settlement. You don’t want to give up what is in your own best interests, but you also want to agree on things that don’t matter much. Negotiate for what really matters to you and be flexible about things that are not so important.

5. No One is Right or Wrong in the Mediation Room

The divorce mediation process is not about winning points against your ex-spouse. Divorce mediation is about negotiating a fair settlement of the marital property between two people. Therefore, keeping score during the mediation process is a waste of time and energy.

So, to go through the divorce mediation process intelligently, take away the score board, put your emotions aside, and try to work out an agreement that is in the best interest of everyone involved. Watch your ex flounder around in the score-keeping department if you must, but if you keep a cool head on your shoulders and recognize mediation for the business deal that it is, you will get the divorce over faster, it will be more cost-effective, and you’ll be able to put the divorce behind you. Be smart and tough. And never forget: this is all business.

Mediation is a vital part of a the divorce process. Important decisions are made during the mediation, and you will be bound by the final agreement between you and your ex. That beats spending the sizeable money and time going to court and appearing before a judge who would make those important decisions for you without knowing you and your family personally.

Amanda DuBois is the owner of DuBois Cary Law Group. Feel free to contact Amanda at (206) 547-1486 if you have questions about divorce mediation in Washington State.

Local Seattle Divorce Attorneys and Seattle Family Law Attorneys

DuBois Cary Law Group, PLLC
927 N. Northlake Way
Suite #210
Seattle WA 98103

(206) 547-1486

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