Could I Be More Devastated About This Election Than I Was About My Divorce?

By Monica Cary on Tuesday, November 15, 2016

I received this text from someone I hold dear in my heart the day after the election and it stopped me in my tracks. No matter which candidate you supported, the 2016 presidential election has taught us that there are great divides in our country, differences paved over many years and steeped in domination, fear, and hurt. We know we won’t be able to bridge those gaps without a keen ear, open heart, and the kind of grace that transcends our own worm’s eye view to give way to the aerial perspective.

Encompassed in the American Dream is the dream of perfect union and marriage. At a micro-level, the vitriol, grief, and transformation that this election has invoked in the people who make up this country reminds me of the internal strife individuals experience during a divorce. And, I can’t help but compare it to the range of emotions parents and children face when their parents split up. The disturbing and the shining moments are all out in the open for the world to see. No matter what side you find yourself, there is one thing you can always do for everyone. You can hold space for your loved ones who are caught in the crossfire. Whether it is a grandchild, a sister or brother, or a friend, you can wish them well and here’s a start.

Blessings for Divorcing Parents

May you honor the feelings – on both sides – that brought about this moment.
May you be with your grief without spilling your negativity into your present choices.
May you remember answers are not forged from disrespect and miracles grow naturally.
May you show up with dignity when you find yourself at odds with a circumstance.
May you each find the place where you can wish one another well.
May your collective healing begin immediately.

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The Surprising Truth About Infidelity

By Monica Cary on Monday, March 28, 2016

A few years ago, I met up with my old college friend, Margot. She is now an architect living in Nashville, Tennessee. When we got together, Margot was ten years, two kids, one dog, and a pet goldfish into her marriage. She suspected her spouse had been cheating on her with a close family friend, but both the friend and her husband denied it. She spent the next several months wrenching her way through marital life, working, parenting, “yoga-ing” all the while trying to uncover whether or not she was right. She was the modern day Ladies Home Journal wife trying to “save” her marriage. Eventually, she ended up getting divorced. For better or for worse, it turns out, she was right… about all of it. Last weekend, I asked her if she’d share her thoughts about infidelity for this post.

“When I found out about the affair, it crippled my reality, my sanity, and my truth. It really sucked for a while. Even now, I have moments. It was a triple layer cake of betrayal, grief, and anger with a big ol’ dollop of self-pity on top. That’s the problem with being right. Sometimes, being right brings you to your knees, seething.”

What’s the most important piece of advice you can offer someone who has just learned of an affair?

“Get a shrink. Get a lawyer. Then, find two to five close friends and take cover in their wings. Don’t talk about it with anyone other than your shrink and your lawyer. And, for God’s sake, do not talk to your kids or their friends’ parents about it. When your child asks questions you don’t know how to answer, it’s okay to say nothing or say you don’t know.”

That sounds impossible. Why do you recommend it?

“You need a crisis plan so that you can survive and function. You will have to figure out a way to just shut it off, retrain the neuropathways in your brain, that kind of thing. Someone told me to move my furniture around and take a different route to work. I did it and I swear that helped me. The main thing to remember when you talk to other people is that nothing anyone says is going to make it go away or make it better. Usually, the advice of your loved ones will do little more than lather you up with anger or make your devastation seem insignificant. The good news is that time is on your side. And you are a helluva lot stronger than you know.”

What else?

“Eat ice cream. Work out. Do Yoga. Mediate. Get in nature. Hike. Nourish your body with healthy and delicious food. Force yourself to try new things. Forgive your parents for any past grievances, call them and ask for help. Let your mommy hold you. Immerse yourself in anything that will restore your trust in the universe. Go to a church or temple – not necessarily one you’ve been to before. When you start to feel angry or sad about what went wrong, don’t indulge it. Instead, think about what you want in your next relationship. Smile at strangers in the bookstore. Volunteer in a food bank or in a nursing home. Just get out of your brain. Also, keep tissues in your car because it’s a terrific place to cry.”

What is the most important piece of advice you can share?

“Surrender to the circumstance of where you are. Accept the disappointing truth that you are responsible for where your life is right now and where it is going.”

I’m a bit biased here. Are you saying you’re responsible for your husband cheating on you?

“Yes and no. For myself, I pretended I was happy when I was too scared to tend to the raw truth: I was hardly even satisfied with my relationship. Sure, he has integrity issues. Yes, so does she. They made their choices, but so what? The revelation that I let myself (and by extension my children) settle for something miserable for all those years, well, that was the greatest betrayal I have suffered – and it was at my own hand.”

Wow. Okay, back to this one, what’s your best advice?

“My best advice is to accept the situation, forgive your ex, forgive her, and most importantly yourself. Figure out what you want and put all your chips into where you are headed. In architecture, we have this term, “angle of repose”. It is defined as the maximum slope at which loose solid material will remain in place without sliding. As architects, we covet that unnatural element in our creations. But an angle of repose in a marriage is preposterous. My marriage was stuck and the affair was just the landslide I needed to knock us loose. Turns out to be the best gift of my life. I’m madly in love with a wonderful new man and had no idea a relationship could be so easy, fun, and supportive. And, my relationship with my kids has never been better. As a parent, all you really want are for your kids to be happy, healthy, and confident. And, I have that, now.”

And what about your goldfish and your pup?

“Ahem…well, the goldfish died. I’ll spare you the details, but we tried to go back and forth with it when the kids went back and forth. Disaster. Don’t do that. And, my dog, Otis, I do miss him. That still gets me, actually.”

Anything else you can share for our readers?

“Look in the mirror and admire your own beauty. Remember that you are not alone and it didn’t happen because of something you did or didn’t do. And, it wasn’t because of the way you look. (Hugh Grant cheated on Elizabeth Hurley, for crying out loud). Finally, remember that whatever hell you are living in right now, the cheater lives in his own private hell with at least nine circles of suffering.“

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The One Resolution You Can’t Put Off Until 2016

By Monica Cary on Thursday, August 6, 2015

If you and your spouse are thinking about splitting up, 2015 is the year. Kermit & Miss Piggy called it quits this year. So did Ben and Jennifer. If you live in Washington, here’s why you might want to go ahead and file for divorce.

Washington has a 90-day waiting period.

That means, you can’t be divorced until 91days after you file. So, if you want to start the New Year SINGLE, you won’t be able to if you don’t file soon. Here’s a handy calendar counter to help you figure out the best time to file.

If you divorce this year, you can file separate taxes for 2015.

When you file your taxes, you file your taxes based on your marital status as of December 31. If your family finances are one of the issues that have led to your decision to divorce, then it may be a relief to file separately. It’s a good idea to talk to a lawyer about the best time to file and to your CPA about your taxes.

If you’re expecting a big raise and you don’t want to share it, file now.

Washington is a community property state, so typically, your earnings belong equally to both spouses. When done properly, filing for divorce draws a great big line in the sand about what is community and what is separate property. It’s best to consult with an attorney if you are concerned about protecting your future income from your spouse.

Call us today. We are divorce and family law attorney with years of experience working with individuals facing the possibility of divorce. Let us help you get clear on your choices, your options, your rights and your dreams. Then you can decide for yourself what you want to do.

Seattle: (206) 547-1486

Bellevue: (425) 279-7863

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How to Divorce a Narcissist and Get Along

By Monica Cary on Thursday, April 2, 2015

You know who you are. You’re the one who did everything to try to stay and make it work. You’re the one who’s still a little more sad than you are mad, but something in you is driving you to make a bold change where there was once only resignation. And, now that you’re coming back into your own, you’re also starting to realize that your soon to be ex is completely nuts.

Leaving a Narcissist Is Not Impossible

The impossible can be done. You can divorce a narcissist without going to court and you can have a co-parenting relationship where your kids come first.

But, it’s going to cost you. You are going to have to give up your history together. You are going to have to forget every nasty thing you know to be true about the other person.

A New Paradigm

And, while you are chock-full of the knowledge that your soon to be ex is a total narcissist, you are going to be called upon to cultivate into reality the most far-fetched possibility of a peaceful parting. You are going to have to do this at a time when you have total resignation about the state of things. Once you’ve done that, you’re going to have to wait for your soon to be ex to catch up with your vision. Yes, it’s a tall order. But you will reap the rewards of creating a new paradigm from which to move forward.

The good news is that you don’t have to do the work of leaving a narcissist by yourself. You and your spouse can work with an experienced neutral mediator to generate a forward-thinking solution so that you can take charge of the next chapter in your life.

Use Mediation To Divorce a Narcissist

The mediator will work to reduce polarization by focusing on the present situation – instead of what’s right or wrong or what’s good or bad. That might mean telling one party that their perspective is way off, or challenging the other party to reconsider what’s driving their position on a particular topic. During mediation, you both will be given some lofty homework, like identifying your fears and your goals as you forge ahead.

You can also expect to have some practical homework, like figuring out your respective budgets moving forward. When it comes to kids, mediation is a great place to start talking and to find long-term resources to help your kids navigate these changes.

The impossible can be done. You can successfully divorce a narcissist. It happens every day. Why not start now?

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Collaborative Divorce is a Great Option

By Amanda DuBois on Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Want to Engage In a Reasonable Divorce Process?

So you’ve decided you have to get a divorce. The marriage is no longer viable for either of you, and you need to part ways. It’s a difficult decision, and most people think the first thing to do is hire a lawyer to protect themselves against their spouse. But there is an alternative that is cost-effective, and, for couples who are still on good speaking terms, far more peaceful. It’s called collaborative divorce.

Collaborative divorce is a very specific kind of divorce process in which family law lawyers and specialists with expertise in areas related to divorce work together to help you and your soon-to-be-ex spouse get through the divorce smoothly and calmly.

Collaborative law experts include financial, accounting and divorce and parenting experts, and lawyers who have trained in specifically in collaborative law as a legal practice. The point of collaborative divorce is for both of you to come to an agreement without resorting to an adversarial divorce proceeding.

There are a ton of benefits to collaborative divorce, including:

You and your spouse will be able to explore and discuss your needs, concerns and goals during the divorce. This will help you discover new ways to approach conflicts and conflict resolution.
Collaborative divorce is private. No one – including your adult children – will be reading about your divorce in court records.
The lawyers and other collaborative divorce experts will recognize that you and your spouse – even though you’re divorcing – actually know what’s best for yourselves and your children, including what your relationship can tolerate, where your conflicts lie, and where you both agree and cooperate.
It’s not uncommon for divorcing couples to get into bad communication patterns as a result of the stress of the divorce process itself. If, however, during the collaborative divorce process you find yourself experiencing communication breakdowns, your collaborative divorce team will guide you back to healthy communication that will move the divorce process along.
You’ll learn a valuable life skill: how to recognize that conflict is normal when tensions and emotions run high. The collaborative divorce team can coach you both on keeping the big picture in mind.
Both of you will be allowed to feel safe, empowered, secure, and informed in making the right decisions for yourselves and your kids. Your focus, decisions and actions will remain reasonable as you work to resolve issues in everyone’s best interests.
The voluntary agreements you make in a supportive atmosphere will go a long way toward much better long-term outcomes for you, your ex, and your kids.

If you have questions regarding collaborative divorce and live in Seattle or Bellevue, Washington, call us. Our managing partner, Amanda DuBois, is an experienced family law attorney with special training in helping couples divorce using the collaborative divorce process. (206) 547-1486.

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Pre-Divorce Consultations Are the Way To Go

By Amanda DuBois on Friday, February 20, 2015

If you’re like many people, you’ve been thinking about divorce for a while now. It’s a difficult and confusing idea, and you’re probably feeling like you’re going through this initial experience alone. But you don’t have to go it alone. In that space between admitting to yourself that you’re going to get a divorce and actually telling your spouse or a friend of your plans, it’s a good move to pick up the phone and call a lawyer for a simple consultation.

Why? First of all, a divorce consultation is completely confidential. Even if you decide against getting a divorce, no one outside that attorney’s office will ever know you were thinking about it. Second, understanding your rights, your financial position, and a host of other important considerations will help you make a much smarter decision.

Here’s a sample list of questions that attorneys at our Seattle and Bellevue family law firm offices often hear during initial consultations:

When is the right time to divorce? Now? Later? Ever?
When should I talk with my kids about this?
Who will the kids live with? Is it better to wait until they are older?
Where will I live? How can I live on one income? Will I have to support my spouse financially?
What’s going to happen to our house?
What are the financial ramifications?
How can we afford two households?
What should I be doing now to prepare?
How do I do this safely?

You will walk out of a DuBois Cary attorney consultation with important information on what to do if you think divorce is your only option. And once you have that information and have had time to process it, you’ll be able to start visualizing what life after divorce will look like for you.

Call us today. We have years of divorce and family law experience working with a wide range of individuals facing the possibility of divorce. Your issues and dreams matter to you, and we would love to help you get where you want to go.

Let us talk with you so you’re clearer on your options, your rights and your choices. Then you can decide for yourself what you want to do.

Seattle Office: (206) 547-1486
Bellevue Office: (425) 279-7863

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Divorce and Visitation: The Basics

By Amanda DuBois on Thursday, January 8, 2015

If you’re thinking about divorcing, you’re probably also concerned about how much time you’ll be able to spend with your kids. That’s normail and natural. Here’s what you need to know: the parenting plan that you create with your soon-to-be-ex spouse will become a court order. That’s an important part of the divorce process. So, a parenting plan requires a good deal of thought and planning. It’s your family’s blueprint until the kids go to college or leave home for other pursuits. And it’s entirely doable.

Goodbye Weekend Warrior Mentality

In this day and age, the courts view both parents as important people in the lives of kids. Weekend warrior parenting is long gone. Men are equals as caregivers and providers for their kids, and if you’re a guy you have a right to equally raise your children after divorce if you wish to do so.

The Kind of Parenting Plan that Helps the Kids

Although it’s very stressful to change everything from a one family home to a two-family parenting setup, with a good attorney and good advice from today’s parenting coaches, it’s not impossible to move forward with a lot of grace and positive energy for you and your kids. Think of it as setting up new households that are just as full of kid love as the one household that used to be. Your attorneys can help you design a parenting plan that will:

creatively address scheduling issues for multiple children
strengthen and deepen the parent/child bond
make sure you have a good vacation with your children every year
create holiday schedules that are fair for everyone
and a lot more!

A Predictable Parenting Schedule is A Good Thing

One of the most important factors to take into consideration when designing your parenting plan is predictability for your kids. Psychological research on children of divorce shows that consistency helps anchor children in a psychologically safe place after their parents split. Our attorneys stay on top of the research literature and we make it a point of helping you devise a plan that will serve your children well. We often work closely with child development experts to help you make great decisions for your family. And as parents ourselves, we understand.

Please call us today if you’d like to set up a consultation with one of our experienced attorneys here at DuBois Cary.

Seattle: (206) 547-1486

Bellevue: (425) 279-7863

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Guts, Compassion and the Wisdom of Waiting Until After the Holidays to Divorce

By Amanda DuBois on Monday, December 29, 2014

Our firm sees a lot of clients just after the holidays and we want to say one thing: our hats are off to each and every one of you for not serving your spouse with divorce papers during the holidays. It takes guts, compassion and a clear head to make the decision to divorce, have a strong need to get started, but then wait and get through the festivities for the sake of your kids, your family and your future.

You’ve figured out that as frustrated and ready to get out of the marriage as you may be, it’s not worth it to begin a divorce during the holidays. Waiting until after the New Year spares everyone in the family for years to come because it keeps the holidays a family time, not a divorce time.

Here’s what you may have avoided:

You might have hurt the feelings of your entire extended family and angered your soon-to-be-ex by serving divorce papers during the holidays.
Now you don’t have to be reminded of your divorce every time the holidays roll around – you get to enjoy that time instead.
You spared your children the pain of associating what is usually one of the best weeks of the year with an emotionally difficult experience. That is a true gift.

The better way to use holiday time if you’re thinking about divorce is to plan for a divorce after the New Year. Since you’ll have time at home over the holidays, if you really have decided you must divorce, use that time to reflect on your goals as the newly single person you’re going to be again.

Think about how much you love your kids and how you’re going to help them through all of this. Read up on how to help kids cope with divorce. Gather your paperwork together and organize it. Reflect on the good times you’ve had in your marriage and give yourself permission to be okay with your decision. Revisit the family finances and make sure you understand what is going on. And consult with an attorney quietly, so that you can begin divorce proceedings in an intelligent, compassionate and educated way. And let the holidays remain the holidays – for everyone.

DuBois Cary Law. Compassionate Legal Representation for Northwest Families.

Offices in Seattle (206) 547-1486 and Bellevue (425) 279-7863

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Top 5 Gift Guide Ideas for Your Brilliant BFF Who is Getting a Divorce

By Monica Cary on Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Sometimes it takes a long time for a relationship to run its course. You’ve been a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, and even a solid supporter of making it work. But the decision has been made and they are splitting up. So, now what? It’s time to shift gears and help your friend learn the wonderful art of self-care.

Embrace your inner woo and share your hopes for your friend with a pick-me-up reminder. When my own 12 year marriage ended, some of these were the very first gifts I received from my bevy of strong women.

Here are a few of my favorite gift ideas to stimulate self-care to help your loved one get through a difficult time:

	1. Divorce is stressful. Serious scientific studies show that people lose more stuff when they are stressed. And, your dear friend, daughter, sister, brother, or loved one is likely to lose his or her keys A LOT more than before. Consider getting one a Tile. The tile is a genius device. It locks onto your key chain and connects to an app on your phone. You can use it for a purse, a phone, you name it.
	2. Tea is always a good idea. My most difficult times seemed to hit on the days I didn’t have my child. I remember times when I couldn’t have even fixed myself a scrambled egg, but a cup of tea, I could handle. Not only is this tea tasty, but every time I pulled it out of the cabinet, I remembered that friends who live far away from me want good things for me. It helped.
	3. Cooking for one doesn’t happen much the first year. When you’re stressed, it’s important to eat real food. Okay, this one is kinda always important, but it’s so easy to slip into chowing down on comfort foods when you’re getting a divorce and you can barely drag yourself out the front door. For most of us, making a poor food choice just adds one more layer of guilt to our days. Consider getting your friend a week of home cooked meals delivered straight to their doors.
	4. Healing from a divorce starts the day you separate. Exercise makes you look and feel hotter than you were when you in that relationship. Get your friend a short-term gym membership to place that’s convenient and offers great fitness classes where your friend can create a new community. As one friend said to me on the day my divorce was final. “I hear happiness is the best revenge. Serve it cold.”
	5. Clean up and smell something nice. Healing starts with clearing. Stop hate dead in its tracks with the gift of sage. Available everywhere from PCC and City People’s to Amazon. Or, give your friend some delightful smelling household cleaners. I like Mrs. Meyer’s Lemon Verbena dish soap and counter cleaner.
	And, if you want something more practical, don’t forget, there is the gift of paying for a consultation with a divorce lawyer or mediator. To contact my office, call (206) 547-1486.

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Returning Home: Keeping the House You Brought to Your Marriage When You Divorce

By Amanda DuBois on Monday, December 8, 2014

Here at DuBois Cary we have many clients coming in for divorce consultations who have been dealing with extremely difficult spouses for a very long time and have finally had enough. It is our job to help that client navigate her or his way out of a destructive relationship and back onto a path that includes the self they knew before they got married, or that existed inside the marriage for a while but got lost along the way.

Often these clients are older – in their 50’s or 60’s – and have no children together, or have children that are grown and gone from the house. Often the spouse who is being damaged most by the bad relationship came into the marriage with money and a home, and got married to someone with a lot less. The original intention was one of open generosity and an opportunity to build a life together. However, the real result is that the other spouse has been taking advantage of the generous spouse. It is a painful realization, but also a healthy one when a client recognizes that, through divorce, he or she can be whole again.

Our firm helps clients hang onto the assets they brought with them into the marriage, as well as emotionally and legally divorce from the difficult spouse in a way that aligns with values and expectations for life ahead, whether a client is at the peak of a career, planning retirement, or is in retirement now.

Imagine for a moment, finally having one’s house back – a house one had brought into a marriage many years ago. Imagine that once again that house is full of peace and quiet. This is just one of many small victories our clients often realize after they divorce.

If you would like to return to what matters most to you and still retain the financial independence that you had when you became married, we can help. Please feel free to call us for a consultation. We have offices in Seattle and Bellevue, and offer pre-divorce consultations, as well as a full suite of family law services, including will and estate planning.

Seattle: (206) 547-1486

Bellevue: (425) 279-7863

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