Could I Be More Devastated About This Election Than I Was About My Divorce?

By Monica Cary on Tuesday, November 15, 2016

I received this text from someone I hold dear in my heart the day after the election and it stopped me in my tracks. No matter which candidate you supported, the 2016 presidential election has taught us that there are great divides in our country, differences paved over many years and steeped in domination, fear, and hurt. We know we won’t be able to bridge those gaps without a keen ear, open heart, and the kind of grace that transcends our own worm’s eye view to give way to the aerial perspective.

Encompassed in the American Dream is the dream of perfect union and marriage. At a micro-level, the vitriol, grief, and transformation that this election has invoked in the people who make up this country reminds me of the internal strife individuals experience during a divorce. And, I can’t help but compare it to the range of emotions parents and children face when their parents split up. The disturbing and the shining moments are all out in the open for the world to see. No matter what side you find yourself, there is one thing you can always do for everyone. You can hold space for your loved ones who are caught in the crossfire. Whether it is a grandchild, a sister or brother, or a friend, you can wish them well and here’s a start.

Blessings for Divorcing Parents

May you honor the feelings – on both sides – that brought about this moment.
May you be with your grief without spilling your negativity into your present choices.
May you remember answers are not forged from disrespect and miracles grow naturally.
May you show up with dignity when you find yourself at odds with a circumstance.
May you each find the place where you can wish one another well.
May your collective healing begin immediately.

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How Much Spousal Maintenance Can I Expect to Pay In a Seattle or Bellevue Divorce?

By Amanda DuBois on Monday, September 12, 2016

Watch my video on spousal maintenance here.

In a King County divorce (which encompasses both Seattle and Bellevue), there is no magic formula that determines spousal maintenance.

There are a number of factors the court considers and a wide variety of possible outcomes.

Results are determined based upon two considerations:

The need of the receiving spouse
The ability of the paying spouse to pay

The idea behind spousal maintenance is that the non-wage earning spouse, or the lower-wage earning spouse, is entitled to receive money for some period of time in order to allow that spouse to get back into the work force or to build an asset base.

Today, it’s not unusual for both people in a marriage to have jobs or careers. In these situations, spousal maintenance is usually awarded to the person in the marriage who is the lower wage earner. Spousal maintenance is no longer awarded based on gender, but on income and ability.

Spousal maintenance awards vary on two levels:

How much the amount will be
How long the determined amount will be paid.

Again, this is determined by the need of the recipient and ability of the other spouse to pay.

During the divorce process, it’s not unusual for the court to issue temporary court orders for spousal support. This happens because each person may now live in a different place, and the lower income spouse may need temporary help in keeping current living and child care arrangements stable (for example) until all of the divorce issues are ironed out and final court orders in place. Temporary orders typically are filed and granted during the time between filing for divorce and the time the divorce is actually finalized.

For tax purposes – and this important fact is sometimes overlooked – spousal maintenance is considered taxable income for the person receiving it and a tax deduction for the person making the payment.

There are many factors the court takes into consideration to determine spousal maintenance. Because these factors determine long-range financial arrangements post-divorce, it is always extremely important that you consult with a Seattle or Bellevue-based lawyer who has plenty of experience in court. Your attorney will know how the court is currently dealing with these issues, and she will understand how best to position you in spousal maintenance arguments during the divorce process.

Here at DuBois Cary, we have plenty of experience negotiating spousal maintenence settlements for clients who are thinking about getting a divorce and who live in Seattle or Bellevue. We’d be happy to meet with you and discuss this issue. For a consultation, please call (206) 547-1486.

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You’re A Woman. You Own a Business. And You Need a Divorce.

By Amanda DuBois on Tuesday, July 14, 2015

I get it. I’m also a woman. I own a business. It’s a divorce litigation firm. And I’ve helped countless woman business owners make it through the divorce transition. On top of the daily demands of running a business. Talk about having a lot on your plate.

Divorce is basically a project. It needs careful planning, a budget, project management, and acceptable results. But it’s about more than hitting a financial target. It’s crazy emotional. If you’re a woman business owner anticipating a divorce, you need information and education. And some great support.

You’ll be negotiating. But this negotiation is unlike any other. The negotiations will likely be clouded by feelings of sadness, or anger, or uncertainty, and sometimes a feeling of failure. Yes, you’ll be using the skills you’ve honed over the years, but you’re going to need help. Lots of it. You need an experienced, agile, responsive legal team. You need your lawyer’s cell number. (Because “life” usually happens after hours, as you well know). You’ll need to be able to text at all times of day, and get a relatively prompt response.

In some ways you can use your experience as a multitasking detail-oriented business woman to get you through your “year of divorce.” But at the same time, you’ll probably feel frail and unknowledgeable. If you’ve been in business a while, you know the drill: “I can figure this out…I’m smart and capable…all I need to do is break this down into manageable pieces….” It’s worked for you before and these skills will certainly come in handy as you head into the coming months. You actually do know how to do this. You just have to start thinking about it the right way. And you need to gather a team who can help you deal with the volatile emotional roller coaster you are embarking on.

What you’ll need help with, especially if you have kids, is keeping your head on straight during the rough emotional patches that divorce is going to throw at you. You’ll need to stay clear-headed for yourself, your kids and your career – all during the time you are embroiled in the most important negotiations of your life: your kids and your financial future.

You need friends who can help you see beyond the issue of the moment and remind you who you are and that you can do this. You may need a therapist. And you for sure need a lawyer and a legal team with the requisite experience and commitment to you and your kids.

I’m here to help. And we have our office structured so that there will always be a team member, very familiar with the intricacies of your case to respond when you need us. We’ll talk or text late at night. We’ll meet you for a latte. We’ll have meetings at your office, if that’s more convenient for you. We’ll help you arrange for extra help around the house if you need it.

If you have kids, we’ll refer you to parenting specialists. And we’ll protect your children with all legal means available so that they won’t have to be in the middle of your separation and divorce anymore than is absolutely necessary.

We’ll educate you about how to protect your business and accumulated investments so that you can make the best possible decisions. Our team of consulting CPAs and business specialists will prioritize your case. We’ll figure out what you brought into the marriage that belongs solely to you and we’ll get your business valued in as fair a way as possible.

If necessary, we’ll also assure that your spouse obtains a vocational evaluation so he or she can become gainfully employed, reducing your spousal maintenance obligation.

Here’s the hardest part about being a successful business women/mother going through a divorce: In “traditional” (whatever that means) divorces the husband was the primary breadwinner and the mother was the primary parent. The breadwinner had to let go of money and the primary parent had to let go of the kids. But over the years, I’ve learned that many women who are the primary breadwinners in their families are also the primary parent. So…that parent is faced with giving up not only the kids but money as well. And it really doesn’t feel fair. We understand this dilemma and are standing by to support you through this process.

With proper education and support from a seasoned and caring legal team, this is all doable. It takes time, grit, and determination, but you already have those things or you wouldn’t be where you are today. And like all successful projects, when the results are in and you find yourself free of a loveless or difficult marriage, you’ll be able to move on, to love again, and to look forward into the life you want.

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Collaborative Divorce is a Great Option

By Amanda DuBois on Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Want to Engage In a Reasonable Divorce Process?

So you’ve decided you have to get a divorce. The marriage is no longer viable for either of you, and you need to part ways. It’s a difficult decision, and most people think the first thing to do is hire a lawyer to protect themselves against their spouse. But there is an alternative that is cost-effective, and, for couples who are still on good speaking terms, far more peaceful. It’s called collaborative divorce.

Collaborative divorce is a very specific kind of divorce process in which family law lawyers and specialists with expertise in areas related to divorce work together to help you and your soon-to-be-ex spouse get through the divorce smoothly and calmly.

Collaborative law experts include financial, accounting and divorce and parenting experts, and lawyers who have trained in specifically in collaborative law as a legal practice. The point of collaborative divorce is for both of you to come to an agreement without resorting to an adversarial divorce proceeding.

There are a ton of benefits to collaborative divorce, including:

You and your spouse will be able to explore and discuss your needs, concerns and goals during the divorce. This will help you discover new ways to approach conflicts and conflict resolution.
Collaborative divorce is private. No one – including your adult children – will be reading about your divorce in court records.
The lawyers and other collaborative divorce experts will recognize that you and your spouse – even though you’re divorcing – actually know what’s best for yourselves and your children, including what your relationship can tolerate, where your conflicts lie, and where you both agree and cooperate.
It’s not uncommon for divorcing couples to get into bad communication patterns as a result of the stress of the divorce process itself. If, however, during the collaborative divorce process you find yourself experiencing communication breakdowns, your collaborative divorce team will guide you back to healthy communication that will move the divorce process along.
You’ll learn a valuable life skill: how to recognize that conflict is normal when tensions and emotions run high. The collaborative divorce team can coach you both on keeping the big picture in mind.
Both of you will be allowed to feel safe, empowered, secure, and informed in making the right decisions for yourselves and your kids. Your focus, decisions and actions will remain reasonable as you work to resolve issues in everyone’s best interests.
The voluntary agreements you make in a supportive atmosphere will go a long way toward much better long-term outcomes for you, your ex, and your kids.

If you have questions regarding collaborative divorce and live in Seattle or Bellevue, Washington, call us. Our managing partner, Amanda DuBois, is an experienced family law attorney with special training in helping couples divorce using the collaborative divorce process. (206) 547-1486.

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Pre-Divorce Consultations Are the Way To Go

By Amanda DuBois on Friday, February 20, 2015

If you’re like many people, you’ve been thinking about divorce for a while now. It’s a difficult and confusing idea, and you’re probably feeling like you’re going through this initial experience alone. But you don’t have to go it alone. In that space between admitting to yourself that you’re going to get a divorce and actually telling your spouse or a friend of your plans, it’s a good move to pick up the phone and call a lawyer for a simple consultation.

Why? First of all, a divorce consultation is completely confidential. Even if you decide against getting a divorce, no one outside that attorney’s office will ever know you were thinking about it. Second, understanding your rights, your financial position, and a host of other important considerations will help you make a much smarter decision.

Here’s a sample list of questions that attorneys at our Seattle and Bellevue family law firm offices often hear during initial consultations:

When is the right time to divorce? Now? Later? Ever?
When should I talk with my kids about this?
Who will the kids live with? Is it better to wait until they are older?
Where will I live? How can I live on one income? Will I have to support my spouse financially?
What’s going to happen to our house?
What are the financial ramifications?
How can we afford two households?
What should I be doing now to prepare?
How do I do this safely?

You will walk out of a DuBois Cary attorney consultation with important information on what to do if you think divorce is your only option. And once you have that information and have had time to process it, you’ll be able to start visualizing what life after divorce will look like for you.

Call us today. We have years of divorce and family law experience working with a wide range of individuals facing the possibility of divorce. Your issues and dreams matter to you, and we would love to help you get where you want to go.

Let us talk with you so you’re clearer on your options, your rights and your choices. Then you can decide for yourself what you want to do.

Seattle Office: (206) 547-1486
Bellevue Office: (425) 279-7863

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Guts, Compassion and the Wisdom of Waiting Until After the Holidays to Divorce

By Amanda DuBois on Monday, December 29, 2014

Our firm sees a lot of clients just after the holidays and we want to say one thing: our hats are off to each and every one of you for not serving your spouse with divorce papers during the holidays. It takes guts, compassion and a clear head to make the decision to divorce, have a strong need to get started, but then wait and get through the festivities for the sake of your kids, your family and your future.

You’ve figured out that as frustrated and ready to get out of the marriage as you may be, it’s not worth it to begin a divorce during the holidays. Waiting until after the New Year spares everyone in the family for years to come because it keeps the holidays a family time, not a divorce time.

Here’s what you may have avoided:

You might have hurt the feelings of your entire extended family and angered your soon-to-be-ex by serving divorce papers during the holidays.
Now you don’t have to be reminded of your divorce every time the holidays roll around – you get to enjoy that time instead.
You spared your children the pain of associating what is usually one of the best weeks of the year with an emotionally difficult experience. That is a true gift.

The better way to use holiday time if you’re thinking about divorce is to plan for a divorce after the New Year. Since you’ll have time at home over the holidays, if you really have decided you must divorce, use that time to reflect on your goals as the newly single person you’re going to be again.

Think about how much you love your kids and how you’re going to help them through all of this. Read up on how to help kids cope with divorce. Gather your paperwork together and organize it. Reflect on the good times you’ve had in your marriage and give yourself permission to be okay with your decision. Revisit the family finances and make sure you understand what is going on. And consult with an attorney quietly, so that you can begin divorce proceedings in an intelligent, compassionate and educated way. And let the holidays remain the holidays – for everyone.

DuBois Cary Law. Compassionate Legal Representation for Northwest Families.

Offices in Seattle (206) 547-1486 and Bellevue (425) 279-7863

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Top 5 Gift Guide Ideas for Your Brilliant BFF Who is Getting a Divorce

By Monica Cary on Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Sometimes it takes a long time for a relationship to run its course. You’ve been a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, and even a solid supporter of making it work. But the decision has been made and they are splitting up. So, now what? It’s time to shift gears and help your friend learn the wonderful art of self-care.

Embrace your inner woo and share your hopes for your friend with a pick-me-up reminder. When my own 12 year marriage ended, some of these were the very first gifts I received from my bevy of strong women.

Here are a few of my favorite gift ideas to stimulate self-care to help your loved one get through a difficult time:

	1. Divorce is stressful. Serious scientific studies show that people lose more stuff when they are stressed. And, your dear friend, daughter, sister, brother, or loved one is likely to lose his or her keys A LOT more than before. Consider getting one a Tile. The tile is a genius device. It locks onto your key chain and connects to an app on your phone. You can use it for a purse, a phone, you name it.
	2. Tea is always a good idea. My most difficult times seemed to hit on the days I didn’t have my child. I remember times when I couldn’t have even fixed myself a scrambled egg, but a cup of tea, I could handle. Not only is this tea tasty, but every time I pulled it out of the cabinet, I remembered that friends who live far away from me want good things for me. It helped.
	3. Cooking for one doesn’t happen much the first year. When you’re stressed, it’s important to eat real food. Okay, this one is kinda always important, but it’s so easy to slip into chowing down on comfort foods when you’re getting a divorce and you can barely drag yourself out the front door. For most of us, making a poor food choice just adds one more layer of guilt to our days. Consider getting your friend a week of home cooked meals delivered straight to their doors.
	4. Healing from a divorce starts the day you separate. Exercise makes you look and feel hotter than you were when you in that relationship. Get your friend a short-term gym membership to place that’s convenient and offers great fitness classes where your friend can create a new community. As one friend said to me on the day my divorce was final. “I hear happiness is the best revenge. Serve it cold.”
	5. Clean up and smell something nice. Healing starts with clearing. Stop hate dead in its tracks with the gift of sage. Available everywhere from PCC and City People’s to Amazon. Or, give your friend some delightful smelling household cleaners. I like Mrs. Meyer’s Lemon Verbena dish soap and counter cleaner.
	And, if you want something more practical, don’t forget, there is the gift of paying for a consultation with a divorce lawyer or mediator. To contact my office, call (206) 547-1486.

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Returning Home: Keeping the House You Brought to Your Marriage When You Divorce

By Amanda DuBois on Monday, December 8, 2014

Here at DuBois Cary we have many clients coming in for divorce consultations who have been dealing with extremely difficult spouses for a very long time and have finally had enough. It is our job to help that client navigate her or his way out of a destructive relationship and back onto a path that includes the self they knew before they got married, or that existed inside the marriage for a while but got lost along the way.

Often these clients are older – in their 50’s or 60’s – and have no children together, or have children that are grown and gone from the house. Often the spouse who is being damaged most by the bad relationship came into the marriage with money and a home, and got married to someone with a lot less. The original intention was one of open generosity and an opportunity to build a life together. However, the real result is that the other spouse has been taking advantage of the generous spouse. It is a painful realization, but also a healthy one when a client recognizes that, through divorce, he or she can be whole again.

Our firm helps clients hang onto the assets they brought with them into the marriage, as well as emotionally and legally divorce from the difficult spouse in a way that aligns with values and expectations for life ahead, whether a client is at the peak of a career, planning retirement, or is in retirement now.

Imagine for a moment, finally having one’s house back – a house one had brought into a marriage many years ago. Imagine that once again that house is full of peace and quiet. This is just one of many small victories our clients often realize after they divorce.

If you would like to return to what matters most to you and still retain the financial independence that you had when you became married, we can help. Please feel free to call us for a consultation. We have offices in Seattle and Bellevue, and offer pre-divorce consultations, as well as a full suite of family law services, including will and estate planning.

Seattle: (206) 547-1486

Bellevue: (425) 279-7863

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How to Tell Your Kids You’re Getting Divorced

By Monica Cary on Tuesday, November 18, 2014

My friend, Lisa, is one of the most formidable women I know. She is an extremely successful executive. She also happens to be a gorgeous, former 4H queen whose end of summer ritual is canning her own tomatoes in the company of her Mom and two small daughters. Lisa is one of those rare beings who seems to effortlessly know the rules and expectations of any situation from the moment she walks in a room.

But she had a secret that none of us knew about. Lisa happened to be in a very unhappy marriage. My unflappable friend was stumped by the prospect of divorce – not the money, not telling her friends and family. What kept her up at night was what in the world to tell her kids.

When she finally opened up to me, I connected her to some of the talented child development experts that the attorneys in my office work with regularly. We worked through recommendations based on our collective experience of what works best for divorcing families.

Here’s what she found out:

1. Do have a script to get the conversation started.

Ex. “Our family is changing. Daddy and I are going to start living apart, in two homes. We both love you so much. You will live with me some of the time and Daddy some of the time.”

2. Do tell the kids at home. Don’t try and explain it at your kid’s favorite park or restaurant. Do consider the time of day because your kiddo may be upset.

3. Do answer their questions in an age-appropriate and direct way.

4. Do tell your kids that you’ll take them to see the place you picked.

5. Do tell them that in an age-appropriate way, how you feel.

Ex. “I feel really sad. It’s okay to be sad. I may cry sometimes. I will take care of myself AND I will take care of you.

6. Do give them some language about how they might feel.

Ex. It’s okay if you feel sad, sometime. It’s okay to mad. We’ll get through this.”

7. Do sleep in the same home on the day you tell the kids. Move out 6 to 10 days after you tell them so that they don’t feel abandoned.

And, here’s the advice I could lend my friend:

Do remember that you are braver than you believe. And, don’t forget, your kids believe in you more than you can remember right now.

For a consultation regarding how to speak with your children about divorce, please call Monica Cary, partner at DuBois Cary: (206) 547-1486. We have offices in both Seattle and Bellevue to best serve you.

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The #divorceyouwant

By Amanda DuBois on Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Seattle Divorce Lawyer Amanda DuBois with Oprah #lifeyouwant tour

Wow. What a weekend at Oprah’s whirlwind event – the #lifeyouwant tour. As you know, Oprah is all about teaching people how to re-imagine their lives and encourages all of us to embrace the daunting life changes necessary to create the lives we want.

Which, of course got me to thinking about our amazing Seattle and Bellevue divorce clients. Obviously, Oprah has an over-the-top inspirational life story. But so does everyone, especially those who have taken the brave leap out of a marriage, hurtling through mid-air toward single life.

It was pretty invigorating to sit in an arena with 20,000 inspired women imagining what’s next in their lives. I am absolutely positive that many of the women there were imagining what it would look like to move out of their marriages gracefully and with compassion. But as the #lifeyouwant tour speaker Elizabeth Gilbert author of Eat, Pray Love explained, the decision to take that leap into divorce is often a gut wrenching one.

Elizabeth’s transition started on her cold bathroom floor at two o’clock in the morning. She lay there realizing she was unhappy in her life, and her marriage, and she was terrified of the unknown vastness awaiting her. Everyone facing divorce experiences their own version of crossing this threshold before moving into the next act in their life.

Questions flood the mind of anyone in the midst of their virtual bathroom-floor moment: How will I support myself after divorce? Will I have enough assets to be financially secure? How will friends and family view me? Did I really fail at my marriage? Is there something I could have done to save it? How will my kids survive divorce in two households? How will I live without my kids at home with me every night? And the anxiety does nothing but continue to build as questions pile upon questions and swirl incessantly. Many of us know that familiar pit in our stomach.

This is the time to remember that knowledge is power. If you are thinking about divorce, it’s time to do your research and take charge of your life. As Oprah would say, it’s time to re-imagine your life as a happy, fulfilled, single person. How do you want your life to look? Where would you love to live? How will you take control of your finances? Start imagining your children happily adjusted to two loving households.

At DCLG, our fantastic lawyers are here to answer each and every question you have and to help you create the best possible life for yourself – after that one pesky hurdle: The divorce process. Scary, yes. But as Oprah reminds us, our biggest personal challenges are frequently experiences that we struggled mightily to get through, but that pushed us to stretch and grow in ways we couldn’t have imagined.

Here at DCLG, we even have a special planner that includes a section on creating your divorce vision. It’s the DuBois Cary Divorce Planner. When you come in for a consultation with us we’ll give you a free copy to take home and work with. Come in and chat with one of our awesome lawyers. We can walk you through all of your “what ifs.”

And once you have a good picture of how your life could look after your divorce, it will be infinitely easier to take that scary first step. We are fully aware that this is a huge decision and we encourage you to take as long as you need to work through the process. Sometimes we work with clients for months as they refine their divorce vision, while other clients come in ready to pull the plug and get started.

There is no right way to divorce. We know that, and will stand by you as you make it through the often overwhelming legal process. Bring us the longest list of questions you can think of. The more you know, the better you can imagine the life that you wish for-the life that you can envision and make happen. We’re here to help.

By the way, here’s a link to a special YouTube video I created for you to #createyourdivorcevision.

Call us today if you’d like to discuss what’s next.

Seattle: (206) 547-1486

Bellevue: (425) 279-7863

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